Coincidence ... or not?

I'm a big believer in fate. Not so much in looking ahead, but when I look back at my past, sometimes it's just the only way to explain why things happened the way they did, or why I was at a certain place at a certain time. For example: once, many years ago, I woke up on a Saturday morning only to find that my coffee maker was dead. Completely and utterly dead, even though I had just used it the day before. So I decided to get dressed and walk the 2 blocks to the 7-11 to get a cup of coffee. It was early in the morning and this was a residential neighborhood, so there wasn't any traffic and no one was out and about yet. So it took a moment for my mind to register that someone was saying very softly, "Help. Please help!"

Across the road I saw a man standing behind his station wagon. And as I walked over I saw that his hand was caught between the jack and the bumper. And his face was as white as a sheet. He had been changing his tire when the jack began to slip on the gravel, and he had reached in to stop it. Yeah, bad idea. I think he was aware of this at that point.

Despite those stories of super human strength at times such as this, I couldn't move the car. So I told him I would run back to my apartment and call 911 (this was pre-cell phone days). As soon as I did that, I ran back again. And when a white panel van came up the street, I flagged down the driver, who happened to be a big burly guy. Between the two of us, we got the car up enough to get the guy's hand out, just as the ambulance came screaming up the street.

Turns out I didn't really need any caffeine to wake me up that morning!

In the years that have passed, I still think about that day a lot. Why did my coffee maker die on that morning and not the next? I read somewhere recently the description that "coincidence is God's way of keeping a low profile." Feel free to fill in the word "power of the universe" or however you see this. When you look back at your life, are there times where you wonder how you ended up where you are today? My life has been full of "one thing leading to another."

And today I feel like I'm at a crossroads again. Or at least at another "guy with his hand in the jack" moment.

We went to church this morning because it was the very last service of the Rector who has helped us through this terrible time of losing Unnamed Partner's brother John, to cancer. The Rector came to John, who in turn asked us to go to a Sunday service with him. We did, although we knew next to nothing about the Episcopal Church. But we've met some wonderful people in the congregation there, and participated in baking food for Movable Feast. We started to feel welcomed there. Losing the Rector has felt like losing John all over again, because she has been so important in our journey through the grieving process.

However, the congregation at this church is a little bi-polar. On the one hand, the inside of the bulletin proclaims that "We welcome all ages and abilities, classes and cultures, races, genders, and sexual orientations." Yet, in the monthly newsletter it's reported that a group of 20 met to discuss questions of division and exclusion. The article says "All answers and/or experiences were positive. However, we did not commit to being included on the list of friendly churches for persons of other orientations."

So, you're welcome here, we just don't want to advertise it.

Unnamed Partner and I discussed this last night and went through a range of emotions. We tossed around the idea of getting a busload of queers for next Sunday. We talked about feeling like we're being treated like second class citizens, and that maybe we should stop attending once the Rector is gone. But today after service when I had a moment with the Rector, I (a) thanked her for standing by the ordination of openly gay Bishop Gene Robinson, and (b) told her that we would be watching to see what happens with the Episcopal Church and this congregation on this issue. And here is my moment of "fate": she said, "have you met X? Because he is very interested in this also. He feels that he has been called here for this."

So. I can stop going to this church. Or, I can continue to go, and work with X to engage members of the congregation in this issue of acceptance and inclusion. I can be there. Just be there. Because as every gay and lesbian knows, the majority of the people in our lives who still say they're "not comfortable" with homosexuality will be the first ones to say "oh, but you're different -- you're normal." It's the best way to battle discrimination -- to be present in people's lives so that they have to face the reality of what they're saying when they say they don't believe in equal rights. I am the reality. In all my boring ordinary life -iness.

So. To be continued, no doubt.

Equal marriage = equal rights

It is a simple truth that when you belong to a group in society that has full rights, protections, and opportunities, it is difficult -- if not impossible -- to fully understand what life is like without those rights, protections, and opportunities. I mean, I know that as a white, college-educated, U.S. citizen, I have a lot of things going for me. I don't like to think that I take any of them for granted, but in reality, I probably do, if only because I can't really imagine what it's like not to have them.

Such is the case with equal rights for the LGBT population in this country. I have wonderful dear friends who have known me and Unnamed Partner throughout our entire 10-year relationship, and who clearly think of us as "married" in every sense of the word. But when Unnamed Partner is unemployed and without health insurance, I am helpless to provide it, as my employer doesn't offer domestic partnership benefits. This sometimes comes as a shock to my well-meaning friends. As does the fact that I work for a state University system, and if we were married, Unnamed Partner would be able to take advantage of tuition remission and work toward a degree. Everyone I work with has taken advantage of this benefit. Too bad I can't.

Imagine, too, if we had children. Because guess what: we're just like everyone else. Sometimes relationships work out, sometimes they don't. That just got a little more complicated, too, as a court here in Maryland ruled this week to take away all visitation rights from a lesbian ex-partner who had helped raised the couple's daughter. She was listed on the child's school records -- the other partner had crossed off the word "Father" and put her name and contact information. She had years' worth of Mother's Day cards from the daughter. Yet according to the court, this woman had no more rights than a nanny or au pair. She is now unable to see her daughter at all. From the Washington Blade:

“This is a disastrous opinion that will very negatively impact non-biological, non-legal parents, especially many who are in same-sex couples,” said Dan Furmansky, executive director of Equality Maryland.

In its opinion, the high court acknowledges the lesbian, identified in court records as Margaret K., is a “de facto” parent because she helped raise the child during the time she was partnered with Janice M.

However, the judges say the Baltimore County Circuit Court “erred in granting visitation” to Margaret on the grounds that she was a “de facto” parent without first finding that Janice was an “unfit parent” or that other “exceptional circumstances” existed to justify the decision.

In other words, unless she can prove her ex-partner is an unfit parent, this woman cannot see the child she helped raise. What kind of a choice is that? Without equal marriage rights, we will always be forced to make these kinds of choices.

Marriage has nothing to do with religious beliefs and everything to do with civil rights.

Clinton should fight for the Democratic nomination, as well as for anything else that's on the plate

Yes, I'm back from vacation and I'm all fired up again about the democratic primary. I pretty much avoided watching the news all week, just trying to stay current with the natural disasters in Myanmar and China, equal marriage legislation in California, and the weather forecast for Cape Cod. But yesterday I had a lot of time to read the newspapers , and I'm really starting to get annoyed (again) at the way Hillary Clinton is being treated by the Democratic Party.

Here's the thing: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are very close in this contest in both total votes and delegates. Yes, she's behind. But she's close. Very close. In fact, after winning several early large contests with his stadium style rhetoric, Obama hasn't continued his pace, but has instead basically maintained the same lead, not really gaining much more.

So why should she drop out? It's not unprecedented that a candidate should take this contest all the way to the convention. In fact, one of Obama's earliest supporters, Sen. Ted Kennedy, did just this in 1980, when he tried to get Jimmy Carter's delegates released at the convention in Madison Square Garden so that he (Kennedy) would get the nomination.

No, what's unprecedented is that this time it's a woman who is challenging the authority. So when Hillary Clinton stands up and says "I'm in this for everyone who's ever been down and kept fighting," it rings true for every woman who has ever worked hard only to be shut out. Oh, it's usually quite subtle, the shutting out. When I was a kid, we didn't have organized sports for girls, so for this tomboy it just became "sorry, you can't play." In the working world it's much more subtle, with women simply not being considered for certain opportunities, and then being offered less salary for the same positions.

And before you say, "yeah, and see what happened in 1980 -- we elected Ronald Reagan!" Please remember our state of affairs in 1980. In 1980, President Jimmy Carter had horrible approval ratings, inflation was through the roof, hostages had been taken in Iran, and along came the Hollywood Actor Playing the Part of President, Ronald Reagan.

Add to this the fact that Kennedy never really supported Carter once he became the presidential candidate. Hillary Clinton has vowed many times to support the democratic candidate for president, whomever it may be.

Hillary Clinton is an incredibly smart and dedicated woman. She has worked diligently to be where she is today. She deserves a fair shot at the presidential nomination. To suggest she simply "drop out" because she's behind is to diminish all that she has done, and to diminish how far we have come as women in American society. If you doubt that she has done more than Barack Obama and has the more substantive knowledge of politics and world affairs, please read the front page story from yesterday's New York Times, The Story of Obama, Written by Obama, which examines the story behind his two best-selling books. The books deserve a close look, because that's just about all we have to go by if we want to understand who Obama is. Unfortunately, in his effort to tell a good story Obama uses devices such as composite characters and changing the chronology of events to better suit the story.

“The book is so literary,” said Arnold Rampersad, a professor of English at Stanford University who teaches autobiography and is the author of a recent biography of Ralph Ellison. “It is so full of clever tricks — inventions for literary effect — that I was taken aback, even astonished. But make no mistake, these are simply the tricks that art trades in, and out of these tricks is supposed to come our realization of truth.”

It has worked out well for the Junior Senator from Illinois.

“Barack is worth millions now,” Mr. Osnos said. “It’s almost all based on these two books, two books not based on a job of prodigious research or risking one’s life as a reporter in Iraq. He has written about himself. Being able to take your own life story and turn it into this incredibly lucrative franchise, it’s a stunning fact.”

I'm sorry if you think she's being "divisive" and not working for "the good of the party." He's only ahead by a small margin, and he's not the better candidate. I've spent my entire life watching my mother put the needs and wants of others before her own. Just once I'd like to see her take the last brownie on the plate. But she won't. We won't. Because women are taught to compromise and to take care of others.

Take the brownie, Hillary. You deserve it.